How do you negotiate with someone acting in bad faith?
Don't. Here's how to protect yourself instead.
A friend related a difficult work situation. Someone he managed — let’s call them “Frod” — seemed to be intentionally sabotaging him and his department. Frod complained about everything from an excessive workload to dangerous conditions, lied to make the situation look worse, neglected their own duties and blamed it on others.
My friend tried his best to accommodate Frod’s legitimate issues and demands. He listened and offered explanations. He made exceptions to department policies. He even reduced their workload at the expense of others who had to pick up the slack. But Frod kept escalating, filing multiple complaints, telling fabricated stories, and threatening to sue.
When my friend sought help from higher-ups, they warned him to do everything he could to make Frod happy and prevent a lawsuit.
But he had already bent over backwards trying to help, to the point where the strain not only negatively affected his department, it made him physically ill. Now his negotiation question was: How do you negotiate with someone who is not acting in good faith?
He happened to ask this at a table containing three lawyers, including me. We all said in unison, “You can’t.”
It’s not a negotiation if only one person is trying to resolve the conflict, while the other stokes the flames. Reaching a mutually acceptable outcome is not possible.
In this situation, you are essentially being bullied. Your goal is to protect yourself, and contain or stop the damage.
So what do you do?
1. Round up your allies.
Ideally, you would go to someone with the authority to shut it all down. They would reject the complaints, warn the bully, and publicly affirm that they support you.
Unfortunately, my friend’s experience with bureaucratic higher-ups is typical. I just read a similar Dear Prudence letter from a manager whose direct reports sent a nasty and unfair letter complaining about her. When she tried to enlist help, “the boss made clear that I have to sort the issues quickly, but didn’t offer any advice on how, even when I asked them directly for support.” Sigh.
Do try to get folks with authority on your side. But if that doesn’t work, think about who else could have influence in this situation – coworkers, other department heads, donors. Do any of these people have incentive to get involved – a relationship with you, a reliance on your department, a desire to avoid similar situations in the future, general do-gooding? Get them invested in the problem. Make it a shared problem, instead of yours alone.
2. Spread your counternarrative (i.e., the truth).
People believe the narrative they hear. If they hear lies, they believe lies. Counteract lies by loudly singing the truth.
For instance: is Frod saying you exclude them from group activities? Take every chance you get to point out how inclusive your department is. That award you won. The ways you have always made sure group activities accommodate everyone’s abilities and schedules. The steps you took — happily — after Frod complained the first time, and how those steps succeeded in increasing participation.
To back up your counternarrative, use stories from others who are not involved in the conflict; examples of similar situations that went well; evidence that the decisions you made are considered best practices by others; and documentation of your interactions with Frod, like the four times you went out of your way to structure activities around them.
But use stories about Frod carefully. Don’t try to discredit them, or directly argue against their version of events. This may backfire with people who feel sympathetic toward Frod. Instead, frame it as, “I’m working hard to make our department more inclusive, and we are all happy with the results. I understand Frod has concerns, and of course I’ve addressed them, because it’s important to me that this is a good place to work.”
Essentially, your counternarrative is saying: “There is a different way to see this. I’m providing credible evidence to back it up. Which version of the story do you believe?”
3. Concede nothing.
You may have already tried to accommodate Frod. If you’ve been hanging around the Negotiation for the Rest of Us Substack for a while, it won’t surprise you that I approve of this as a first step. I think complainers perform a valuable service by speaking up about problems. That’s how change happens.
So you did the right thing — seriously considered the complaint, acknowledged issues, and took appropriate action. But if you’re dealing with a bully, then all your well-intentioned efforts sank you deeper into trouble. Because Frod is not actually trying to get their complaint addressed. They’re trying to take you down. (Remember that story “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie?” I think the mouse ended up owning the entire house.)
As soon as you realize that you’re in a bullying situation rather than a good-faith negotiation, stop accommodating and stop conceding. You don’t have to be disrespectful or mean. Just reiterate, every single time, that you will continue to follow existing practices and they will be held to the same standards as everyone else. And then stop engaging. Don’t give Frod a cookie. Despite your best intentions, nothing good will come of it.
Being bullied is difficult and upsetting, even if you take all the right actions to try to stop it. People who should help will disappoint you; your best efforts will get you nowhere at times. Hang in there and play the long game. Recruit your allies, create your counternarrative, and don’t concede – and also, look after your mental health, talk to your friends and colleagues about what’s going on, and remember that this situation will not last forever.
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