Shared problems require shared solutions
So if you have a problem, make it their problem too.
A low-stakes negotiation scenario:
Your grumpy coworker, Ollie, likes to sit right in front of the only outside-facing window, absorbing the only beam of natural light in the entire office. You want that light. What do you do?
A. Say nothing and suffer.
B. Tell Ollie they need to let you have a turn in front of the window.
A is the easy way out, but you really need some light. So you pick B.
“Ollie. Let me have a turn in front of the window.”
“No.”
Now what?
Grumpy Ollie has no incentive to make you happy. In fact, Grumpy Ollie enjoys your misery. So your first attempt at option B didn’t work.
Let’s rewind, and try a more effective way to broach this conversation: establish shared stakes by framing your request in terms of its impact on something the other person cares about.
“Ollie, I need some natural light to get this report to you on time. The glare of the fluorescents is giving me a headache.”
Now Grumpy Ollie can’t just say a flat no. They wouldn’t just be saying no to your personal request; they would be potentially standing in the way of your shared work. They could still push back and say, “So go outside,” to which you could reply, “I need a desk.” But at that point you’re pointlessly bickering instead of doing your work, and in this hypothetical scenario, you both actually care about your work.
Either way, you’re no longer arguing about your individual preference. You’re arguing about your shared interest in getting work done, and Ollie has to take that seriously.
The same technique works in higher-stakes situations. Which of the following is more effective:
A. “I’m doing the work of two people without any additional compensation, and I’m starting to feel burnt out.”
B. “I’m doing the work of two people without any additional compensation. It’s not sustainable for me to keep doing this, and I won’t be able to get everything done on schedule.”
Option A is just about you. No shared stakes.
Option B is about your shared interest in the work getting done. So it’s not just your problem. It’s theirs too, and they have to engage with you in finding a solution.
The moral of the story: As I always say, negotiation is a team problem-solving exercise. To get the other person on your team, establish shared stakes.
