How (and when) to be indirect
And how to answer followup questions - "But why can't you?"
In a recent Slate advice column, Kristin Wong offered a script for declining invitations to multi-level marketing sales “parties”:
“I think it’s great that you’re doing something you feel excited about. This doesn’t sound like a good fit for me, though, and I’m really busy these days, so I’m going to decline. But I wish you all the best!”
She goes on to say this is somewhat indirect, because the friend who invited you may become defensive if you express any judgment of their MLM activities. But it accomplishes the goal of declining the invitation.
Her script reminds me of the famous “compliment sandwich” where you say something that is not at all complimentary, sandwiched between two compliments to make it go down easier. Personally, I am not a fan of the compliment sandwich because I think it’s transparent. After you compliment sandwich me, I’m going to question every nice thing you ever say to me.
But let’s look at the middle of the sandwich, where she’s actually saying no:
“I’m going to decline” is direct, straightforward, and unambiguous. In addition to sandwiching this between two “good for you!” statements, she pairs this direct statement with two indirections.
“This doesn’t sound like a good fit for me” is a great option if you want to provide a reason for declining, but fear followup questions like “why not?” “Not a good fit” is totally subjective and therefore difficult to argue with. And it doesn’t convey any judgment — you’re not saying it’s bad, it’s just not for you.
“I’m really busy these days” is somewhat ambiguous. Most people will understand this as code for “no, thank you.” Those who don’t will follow up with, “How about next month then? Two months from now?”
Wong’s script sticks to vague reasons for declining. More detailed reasons, like “I already have enough [plastic containers, cosmetics, leggings]” or “I don’t want to support this kind of company,” invite followup questions and can lead to an argument. They are best kept for situations where you want the other person to understand your true reasoning, and you’re willing to argue about it if needed. If your goal is simply to politely decline, a degree of indirectness works better. Pair a direct “no” with an indirect non-reason. Sorry, no, I can’t; no thanks, it’s not for me; sounds great, but I won’t be able to.
If you still get followup questions with your vague “thanks, but this isn’t for me,” take a lesson from politicians and don’t answer. Change the subject, say something irrelevant, or ask your own question. “How about next month then?” “Ha ha, so have you heard about the baby alligator that hatched in Melanie’s doghouse?” (Or, you know, some other situation that may pertain to your life.)
Indirectness gets a bad rap because it’s often used instead of directness. Not “yes, I want this,” but “I don’t know, I wouldn’t mind…”
But when paired with directness, it can be an effective way to ask for what you want without arguing about why you want it.
Directness when used like this can be such an asset, because it builds trust and may in fact invoke confidence in return. Once a good friend invited me to a comedy show; because I find that performer crass, I simply said I’m “not that into him,” sandwiched between “thanks” and would love to “see you soon regardless!” It helped her because she wasn’t really that into that comedian either but was just using that as an opportunity for an outing. She confided, and we ended up enjoying a lovely dinner together instead!