You are not responsible for the happiness of others
Hello dear Newsletter Friends!
This month I present a life mantra, along with a negotiation tip. I put it right in the subject line. If you tend to be an excessive guilt-feeling, mood-spongey sort of person, this one is for you.
In life as in negotiation, you have certain obligations toward other people: your family members, for instance, and your coworkers. Your job is to meet those obligations. It is not to make sure the people are happy.
The children and pets need to be fed, the friends need to be listened to non-judgmentally, the boss needs tasks completed, the spouse needs you to apply anti-snoring nose tape before bed. You will do all these things to the best of your ability. And if they are still not happy? Not your problem. Their happiness is their own responsibility.
So, to rephrase: Your job is not to make the other person happy. Your job is your actual job, the thing you are obligated to do.
Applying this mantra helps with decisionmaking around negotiation:
If I negotiate for more money, my boss will be unhappy.
That’s OK! You are entitled to request money in exchange for labor. Your boss’s happiness or unhappiness is not your responsibility.If I say no to this opportunity, the person offering will be unhappy.
That’s OK! Your job is to communicate a yes or no. The offering person’s happiness is not your responsibility.
If I say no to this opportunity, the person offering will be unhappy, so instead I’ll just delay.
Not OK. Your job is to communicate a yes or no. By delaying, you’re dragging out the uncertainty and preventing the other person from moving on to other options.I won’t talk about something that’s bothering me because they will be unhappy.
Avoiding unhappiness is not a good reason to avoid a conversation.
Instead, think about why you want to bring up the issue. (In other words: is it your job to have this conversation?) What is the impact on you and the other person? What are your respective roles? What outcome might the conversation have? Make a decision based on these factors, not the other person’s anticipated mood.
Recently I, a grown-ass adult, had a meltdown at dinner, and exclaimed to Younger Kid that I couldn’t handle the sound of his chewing.
He said: “Mom, I’m chewing normally. This sounds like a you problem.”
Which stopped me in my tracks. I taught him that phrase when he was little, to handle adults with unreasonable demands. I apologized and walked away to continue my meltdown without inflicting it on my family.
My job is to teach him socially acceptable manners, not to teach him to appease me.
His job is to eat his dinner in a reasonably socially acceptable way, which he was doing.
So he was right, it was a me problem. I was trying to put it on him, but he declined to take it. And I love that for both of us.
Upcoming events! Next Friday, September 7th, I’ll be introducing Nicole Chung in conversation about her memoir A LIVING REMEDY with Nicole Cliffe at GrubStreet in Boston. (Which is really the Nicoles’ event but I’m excited to be introducing them.) And on Thursday October 5th, I myself will be in conversation with Hilary Zaid about her latest novel FORGET I TOLD YOU THIS, at Porter Square Books in Cambridge.
Thanks for reading, Newsletter Friends! Until next month — and I’m always here if you want to ask about your negotiation dilemmas.
.