Try being difficult.
Why should everyone else get to have all the fun?
This one is for all my people-pleasers. You know who you are.
Advice columns often feature letters from people who have bent over backwards to accommodate the unreasonable demands of others. They typically go like this:
Last year I spent six hundred dollars on a handbag for my sister’s birthday. This year she’s insisting that it has to be at least a thousand or she won’t let me come to her birthday party. I’ve been working extra shifts and eating ramen but I’m not sure I’ll have enough. When I tried talking to my sister about it, she screamed that I obviously don’t love her. How can I make more money quick and assure her that I really do love her?
The question asked is inevitably “How can I keep pleasing my sister?”
And not, “How can I handle this situation in a way that meets my needs?”
The sister in this story has no qualms about expressing what she wants. She does not care what her sibling wants or needs.
This story is usually framed as a narcissistic sister with a sibling who needs to set boundaries. Personally, I think the perennial advice to “set boundaries” puts too much burden on the boundary-setter. When the other person has never observed boundaries, you won’t make them start now. Still worth trying, but it shouldn’t be your only response.
Instead, think about reciprocity. Your sister is looking out for her own needs. So you get to look out for your own too. That’s fair. And it’s better for both of you. One-sided relationships are not healthy, whether from a personal or business perspective. Everyone should be getting something positive out of the relationship.
Reciprocity is different from boundary-setting. It’s not just drawing a line and asking the person to please not cross.
And reciprocity is different from either appeasement or defiance. It’s not about accepting or rejecting what the other person is saying.
Instead, reciprocity means countering their demands and needs with your own. “In my ideal world, you would be happy with whatever present I give you or none at all. I would work normal hours and eat healthy foods, and you would care enough about my well-being that you would be horrified that I was going through hardship to please you.”
Where does that leave you? Still in conflict. But you’re not saying yes, and you’re not saying no. You’re saying “This is what I need.” And now it is their turn to respond. Meaning you are now in a negotiation, not a one-sided set of demands.
In a negotiation, you figure out in advance what your bottom line is. The bottom line (which I often refer to as the walk-away point, and in academic negotiation jargon is called the BATNA) is the point at which you would prefer to walk away rather than accepting the proposed outcome of the negotiation.
So either one of you can choose to walk away. Or if it’s possible to resolve the problem and you’re both willing to try, you can talk through it. Either way you’re better off than you were before, because you are now considering your own needs as equally important to theirs.
The sister in this scenario is being difficult — which means different things to different people, but what I mean is that she’s demanding you meet her needs without caring about yours.
You try being difficult too. Especially with someone like this.
Here’s how this plays out in a business setting — where, by the way, it happens all the time, on purpose.
I hate calling the insurance company because I have to go through phone menus, wait on hold, and be shuttled around to three different people. This is intentional. They want to make it difficult for me, and they are allowed to, so they do. As a result, I make fewer calls and complain less. I take up less of their time and resources. They win and I lose.
Or, I can complain louder, insist on talking to more humans, write angry letters, engage a lawyer. And then they will deal with me, because it’s costing them not to. (It costs me too. That’s reality. I can choose whether I prefer to spend my time and energy complaining, or say nothing and give in. But at least I’m making a choice.)When negotiating contracts, if one party has their own form contract, they will insist on using that and say it cannot be changed in any way. Take it or leave it.
This approach works well — it conserves their resources while making it more likely to get what they want. Most people will accept “take it or leave it” and decide accordingly.But you can counter with reciprocity. “This contract says it’s only good for thirty days, but the project will probably take around three months.” Again, you’re not saying yes, and you’re not saying no. You’re saying what you need.
In this situation, they may still insist on “take it or leave it.” But there’s a good chance they will listen and address your concern.
If you’re not used to asserting your needs in this way and it feels scary, absolutely do it. Identify a low-stakes opportunity to practice.
When making plans with a friend or coworker, assert what you want. Not “if that’s okay,” and not a softer version because you’re afraid you’re being unreasonable.
When you’re selling something, name a price and say it’s firm, you will not go any lower.
When the cable company tells you they can’t lower your bill, don’t agree or disagree — just say, “According to your website, your lowest rate is $30.”
Go forth and be difficult. Let me know how it goes.
