Lifetime and Lawyers

Confession: I’ve never seen a Lifetime movie.

I know ABOUT Lifetime movies, of course. I even listen to a podcast called “I Love a Lifetime Movie” where two comedians recap them. (It’s great! Give it a try.) But I haven’t actually seen one. I didn’t even realize we got the Lifetime channel.

But now all of that is going to change. Cristela Alonzo showed up on the podcast to talk about the Lifetime movie she recently wrote, Holiday in Santa Fe starring Mario Lopez. I hear it involves a ham toss and I am on board.

I had been considering only Netflix movies. I understand how to watch Netflix. Cable confuses me, as does the landline; for some reason we still pay for it, but it doesn’t seem to actually do anything useful. And I don’t want to sign up for a million streaming services. But the problem is, my favorite kind of holiday movie makes you say, more than once, “WHAT just happened?” And the Netflix movies have become too much like normal movies, with plotlines that make sense and don’t make you yell at the screen. But the Lifetime movies look perfect: “Under the Christmas Tree” with a queer couple and Ricki Lake as a magical (?) baker; “The Magical Christmas Shoes,” which I love just from its title; “The Christmas Contract” which you know I have to watch because I assume it involves a lawyer, and everyone knows the best Christmas movies have lawyers.

Speaking of lawyers, Elvis Costello has a song called “Soul for Hire” on his “When I Was Cruel” album in which he expresses his disapproval of lawyers. It is not subtle. Lyrics include: “Speaking for myself I wouldn't take the fame, the fees, the glory / For whoring in the practice of the law.” I sing along anyway. I empathize with Elvis. Anybody with power is generally pretty terrible.

I love the Christmas lawyer trope because it’s either absurd, a kick in the pants to authority, or both. When the lawyer is a man, it’s more likely to be the latter: he’s heartless, neglects his family, and will do anything for money, so he needs to repent and reform. When the lawyer is a woman, it’s more often both. The absurd part comes in because her reformation is to stop being a lawyer and to instead be something with much less stability and money, while the man’s reformation is to be a nice lawyer. Or, if she keeps being a lawyer, she’s saddled with a man who is going to be financially dependent on her due to his impractical career.

So. I will check out Lifetime and report back. If all goes well, maybe I will even branch out and discover Hallmark Channel movies! Stay tuned. (Another phrase that, like cable and landlines, has become obsolete.)