It's hard to listen without judgment
Hello Newsletter Friends!
A mantra I learned in a facilitation training class, and still think of daily:
Listen to understand, speak to be understood.
In other words, don’t get sidetracked by language and appearance and emotions. Prioritize clear communication.
And an experience that changed my worldview: serving on a nine-person jury for an assault trial. All nine of us saw the same evidence and heard the same arguments. And not only did we come to different conclusions, we each constructed our own narrative. “Of course he meant to frighten the victim,” said one juror, “he got right in her face and brandished the knife.” I didn’t hear a single witness say that, but the same juror insisted, “He must have, because otherwise it wouldn’t make sense.”
We fill in knowledge gaps with narratives that make sense to us. And that prevents us from listening to understand.
In a negotiation, making assumptions prevents us from identifying what we don’t know, being curious about it, asking questions, and ultimately finding a workable solution. We’re not going to stop making assumptions. But we can be aware that we’re doing it.
In my role as ombudsperson for the Periplus Collective, a mentoring program for BIPOC writers, I often facilitate communication between mentors and mentees who have hit some bumps in the road. When I talk to each person individually, they each have a guess about the other person’s motivations. “They’re really busy… they must not be interested… I’m not sure they respect me… I don’t think they wanted to work with me in the first place… I did something to upset them.”
I make assumptions too. Guesses, really. I hear a lot of these stories so I think, “I’ve seen this before, I bet what’s happening is…”
What I’ve learned is that you really have no clue what is going on with someone until you ask them. So often, I think I know what the person is going to say, and it is 100% wrong. The truth is something that wasn’t even on my radar.
So the negotiation (and life) tip of the month is: Try to notice when you’re making an assumption about what someone is thinking or feeling. (Why did she say that? I bet it was passive-aggressive. She’s probably mad about what happened last week. I already apologized. Why does she have to be like that?)
And then test your assumption by asking questions. (“Are you saying that because you’re mad about what happened last week?” “No, why would you think that?”)
Here’s a very low-stakes anecdote from my own life: Scout meetings have been going on for months. Just a few weeks ago, my kid mentioned that I was always late to pick him up. “What are you talking about?” I said. “I’m always early.” It turns out he’s been waiting inside, while I’ve been waiting outside, both of us assuming the other isn’t ready. We didn’t question this for months.
It comes up at work all the time, too. “I can’t believe they didn’t follow the instructions that I spent so long writing.” And then when you ask, they say, “What instructions?” and that’s how you learn that you never published them.
It seems simple and straightforward. But it’s not. It’s hard to listen to the other person instead of listening to ourselves.
It’s a continuing practice — to be aware of the assumptions we’re making, and to force ourselves to question them. And it leads to stronger relationships, better negotiation outcomes, and a clearer picture of the people around you.
Newsletter Friends, do you have stories about times you constructed your own narrative? How did it turn out for you? Leave a comment or send me an email, I’d love to hear from you.
