Don't cede your power

Dear Big Company, you obviously don't have to listen to me but... hello?

I’ve been consuming various negotiation books and podcasts as I research my own book. A lot of the authors tout their executive coaching experience.

“You should do executive coaching,” said a friend, “there’s a lot of money in it.”

I KNOW there’s a lot of money in it. Because executives, and the corporations they work for, have far too much money. And far too much power. I’m not trying to help them. I’m trying to help the rest of us fight them.

(I say all the time that “it’s not a fight, it’s a mutual problem-solving exercise” — but when it comes to individual people attempting to face down resource-rich institutions, I get a little fighty. I have been in those elite institutions and those power lunches, and I don’t believe in them. My personal mission is to tip the power imbalance by sharing what I’ve learned on the inside.)

In that spirit, I recently talked to two people who, despite their entirely different industries, had very similar problems. One was an independent software developer negotiating with a large tech company. The other, a freelance journalist negotiating with a large publishing company.

Both had already begun discussions with Big Company, and each had an important request to make. Both felt Big Company would be doing them a big favor by even considering their request. In fact, maybe they shouldn’t even ask. They were nervous about overstepping or offending Big Company.

Their first big question was: Am I allowed to ask for this?

It’s a good question. I recommend getting outside perspective on the answer. In this case, I provided the outside perspective. Yes, I told them, these are entirely reasonable requests that make sense in your situation. You can and should ask.

Next, we moved on to strategizing. How do I ask?

In both cases, we decided to send an email. We talked through what to ask for, what reasons to give, specific phrasing to use and points to make.

My estimate was about a 60% chance that Big Company would at least consider the request, and about a 30% chance that Big Company would agree or counteroffer. (I don’t have a system. This is purely based on my experience. Did you know 98% of people eat spiders? If you believe that, you might as well believe my numbers too.)

Then they both had a final question. Are you sure it’s okay to ask for this?

YES. We’ve been over this. Go send your email.

So they both sent off their emails. A few days later, they reported the results: a flat NO from Big Company.

Not totally surprising. Sounds like you gave it your best shot, I told them. By the way, could you forward me the email?

Both emails contained the requests and talking points we had discussed.

And both emails began with a long paragraph that we had not discussed.

Dear Big Company, I know I’m just a lowly individual and you really don’t have to listen to anything I say, let alone consider a request, but I would really appreciate it if you would perhaps read this email and let me know what you think, understanding of course that you probably will say no, and honestly I would understand if you didn’t even keep reading.

Noooo. That, my friends, is how you cede your power.

In my negotiation classes, I talk about believing in your own value. The other person is taking the time and effort to negotiate with you because they see value in you and your work, and they want to share that value. You have inherent power in the negotiation, because the other person is choosing to be there with you.

This may seem like feel-good talk. Believe in yourself!

But this real-life example shows how your mindset affects your actions in a negotiation, which in turn affects the results. If you believe yourself to be powerless, you will act powerless. And the other person will readily accept that. You’re powerless, you say? You have no expectation that I will say yes? Great, that means I don’t have to waste my time listening to you. Whatever you asked, the answer is no. Next!

If you share the tendency to apologize before asking, here’s my suggestion:

1. Write out that paragraph explaining how they are doing you a huge favor by even considering your humble request, which of course they probably will not grant.

2. Then delete it. Treat it like that letter to your ex, where you pour out all your anxieties and resentments and everything that makes your stomach churn, and then you burn the letter.

3. Write a new opening, that says, “Thanks for working with me on this. Here are my comments and questions.” And then move on to the substance of your request.

Will this approach guarantee success? No. But it will help. Assuming you have the right to ask helps you assert your power in the negotiation. And you have power in a negotiation, because the other person is spending their time and energy on you. Don’t give that power away.

**

A lower-stakes story, but also from real life:

Questionable negotiation tactic, reported by my 7th grader. A kid in his class asked the teacher, “Can I listen to music during class?” The teacher said no. The kid said, “What if it has swear words?”

Who in this picture is ceding their power? The answer is left as an exercise to the reader. From The Public Domain Review, Persian Astrology collection. https://publicdomainreview.org/collection/persian-demons-from-a-book-of-magic-and-astrology-1921/