Conflict is stressful, and we can handle it
A mindful approach to conflict
A lot of my negotiation techniques are actually about handling conflict, not just negotiating.
If you don’t feel any sense of conflict, and you’re truly just working out the details of a problem together, then it’s like math. It requires some analysis, but it’s doable.
Conflict, on the other hand, is something that nearly everyone finds difficult. It’s rare to grow up with positive models of conflict resolution at home and school. I think most of us have to unlearn negative conflict handling techniques — passive-aggression, exploding, avoidance — before we can even contemplate replacing them with positive ones.
And so one of my fundamental pieces of negotiation advice is less about arguments and analysis, and more about emotions. It’s to expect that conflict will cause you distress, and not beat yourself up about that. You are human. Conflict is hard. And we can still do it. Not “but.” And.
Lately I’ve been struggling with medical issues. The excessively stoic part of me says, “There’s no reason to be upset about this. I will be fine. Far worse things are happening to other people. It’s not a big deal.”
I’m trying to take my own advice and say to myself: I am upset about this. And I can handle it. Worse things are happening to other people. And also something upsetting is happening to me. Acknowledging my problems does not diminish other people’s suffering. This is a big deal to me and I could use some support. And I will be fine. All these things are true at once.
I’ve taught myself to deal with conflict the same way. I’m stressed, and I can handle it. My heart is beating fast and I’m going to move forward calmly. Their face is turning red and I find that scary and I’m going to persist in this conversation.
When we feel negative emotions, our first impulse shouldn’t be to make them go away, ignore them, or berate ourselves for having them. None of that helps.
Naming and acknowledging the emotion makes me feel instantly calmer. Seeking to understand the emotion helps me not judge myself for having it. And when I can do that, I can hold the negative emotions together with hope and resilience and all the other emotions we prefer. Which makes me feel more whole, and more able to go with the flow instead of trying to resist.
